WRATH 1/7

fare fucking well

i wish for ordinary things
i want the comfort of crying about small things like the others do
i want to cry and to write you a farewell

I only ever learned from mistakes.
And I couldn’t think of a mistake we haven’t made.

they say to not speak ill of the dead but i am not dead and this is my story too

you weren’t all bad
at least you were good in your good times
all the others weren’t even good in their good times

i looked at your eyes often
they looked like mine
but one was a bit odd

you told me you were playing rough in your childhood
until one kid slammed you with a stick and poked into your eye

you told me god had ways to get back at those people
you told me you knew kids in your childhood that ripped birds’ tongues out
god punished them by making their children mute

once you opened all the doors to the house and you let sparrows into your home
she was furious with you, it took forever to get them out
she later always said you didn’t finish playing in your childhood

you couldn’t, you were always circling in the wind
school to school until you met her
you married her young
she got the land and you built a house
in kodyma

every evening
you closed the garden gate and the chicken coop
you told me if you didn’t, chimeras would snatch the chickens

we sat by the wood burning pechka made out of metal

we watched the news
old ass tv
sometimes I wondered how it still worked
they built things different back then

you always interrupted
she always screamed shut the fuck up

then we went to sleep
all sleeping in different rooms
one in the living room
one in the show off room that was only for special occasions
you in another room
one room was just filled to the ceiling with stuff for us in the future

you kept everything
old metals outdoors ready to be given for metalolom

you used the same toothbrush, who even knows how long
if we bought new ones they would go into the room

sometimes i would wake up by mouse traps going off
sometimes by the wind whistling through leaky windows

in the morning gathering eggs, gardening
we had it all
grapes cherries pickles

i played with old big buckets standing in the concrete pavement in front of the house

I spent a lot of time with the chickens
giving them names and stories
lying in the hammock
eating from the tree above
or eating from jars

playing with you
you were magical
won any game
we used to say you played like you had a second set of cards up your ass

telling me stories
making bracelets with me out of old wires
making my toys disappear
then me finding them on top of cupboards

you made wine with your feet
or grape juice

she was reading you the newspaper
you pretended to not sleep

i was laying in a hammock one day
kicking my feet
then i watched her with a bucket of food for the chickens

she trembled
i watched her tremble onto a chicken
it trembled
walked all wrong

not in the way i walk all wrong

i ran to help it
you were first

you took it in your hands
you slammed it in a huge metal bucket of water
the bucket i used for playing

up
down
up
down

i screamed stop
and screamed

i saw it fight for its life
then it fought for death

you ran with it
i followed you

you dug into the ground
down
down
down

again
again
again

you laid it there
put the earth back on

filled
filled
filled

again
again
again

you made a cross out of two sticks and put it in the dirt
you asked god for forgiveness
you only thought about religion when you did something wrong

god was silent that day

you went away
i stared at that cross
why was the ground so silent

the cross scared me
i fell on my knees and cried

i didn’t understand what happened
if you will do that to me will god be silent

you loved bragging about how you tied up a family dog to a tree and shot it
it had a parasite
you justified

the parasites could have gone to you and your children
god was probably silent that day too

i stood in front of doors trying to prevent you from killing chickens for food
i did everything

i couldn’t do anything

you found that amusing
you loved to ask me which one you should kill next
i told you the oldest one

we went there again in a blue volvo
huge bumps in the road from the war nobody cared to fill
you can see it where people care

i shook in the car
i loved bumpy roads
looking out the window
crosses on every turn

i knew people died there
the roads were bad
it wasn’t us but it was someone
the crosses didn’t tell much about who it was

you didn’t like him
you said they’re all pedophiles

she went away to a class meet
he wanted to pick her up
i wanted to go with him
i told you

he was waiting on me in the car
i don’t know what happened
i just remember running
running as fast as i can

you were right behind me
i ran faster
i ran into the car slammed the door
he put the lock down

you tugged at the car door
we immediately drove off

we didn’t say anything during that car ride
i looked down on me
i was bruised
some blood

i thought the bruises were beautiful
or the relief of not being beaten anymore was beautiful

i had a jumpsuit on
that was my favorite
violet with small flowers covering it

i was 5 years old

I was hiding behind him but she saw what happened
she screamed the whole car ride home
she screamed at you when we were home

i just wanted that silence from the car

he said he did the right thing
worse would happen if I went into the car

how could anything be worse than what had happened

i still dream a lot about not making it to the car
of you breaking in
tugging me out of the car

i have to put the lock down in every car i go into

soon later i would be there again
she said sorry have to go i have unresolved business

i cried on the front porch everyday
on little concrete stairs

i knew she fell once face forward on them

seeing how her face was less clear in my head
i slowly forgot her voice

you gave me a picture of her
so i started to stare at a picture everyday and cryed

i was left in this dump and i would die in this dump

she came back

you loved photographing
you had a crate full of black and white photos
darkroom to develop photos up there

I loved photographing too
were parts of you in me
was I like you

you were taking apart mechanic things putting them together in different ways
i loved watching you

i repaired a watch once too

you built a toilet so we didn’t have to shit in the cold anymore in that dark cabin with a giant hole

crafting around the electricity meter you put it out
once a man came
you didn’t open the door

in one whole night you rearranged it so that it counted again
you showed it to the man

I loved going through that filled room
took the marlboro shirts that weren’t molded through

you and her fought all the time
I wondered how couldn’t they see themselves from outside

but our experience tells us we have the most time we have ever experienced

fighting about things I wasn’t around to see
it never goes away once it’s there does it

i knew you hit her
she was scared the neighbors could hear

i thought and what about it let the neighbors hear
let them hear everything

is anyone ever hearing it?

you slept every night with your under-pillow gun

we went once shooting
you shot into a tree

you were ready to fight anyone who would try to come in

you brought that gun every time we went somewhere
you had it in your trousers covered by a shirt and a blazer
gray peaked cap

once I saw you standing in the living room in your wife beater, boxershorts and that gun
i don’t know what that was about

once you wanted to show me the cans you filled over the summer in the cellar

I hated the cellar

you took me by hand down
I wouldn’t do anything about it

you locked me in the cellar
i cried
you laughed
and let me out

we went again with the night train

I loved the tutum tudum
old railways you could feel the road

served black tea in cups with silver ornaments

i loved sleeping in the beds

you and her were waiting at the train station
the train didn’t stop for long

luggage down first
huge step out
you gave me your hand

so many dogs by the train station
i heard a lot of dogs crying in my childhood
you could feel the places where people didn’t care

we drove in your old car
it did what it had to do

light gray car
checked seats

big feast prepared in the house
we ate together

you didn’t like it that I didn’t eat flesh anymore
you told me I would die from it

I didn’t die from it

once we sat on a couch together

you were playing around with your gun
then you pointed it at my dog

you laughed
i was paralysed

you pulled the trigger
it wasn’t loaded

my heart fell that day and it never came back up

I took the gun laughed
pointed at you and pulled the trigger

I wanted to kill you
I would have done it
I wouldn’t have regretted it a day in my life

I wanted to make you feel what you do

I just stared paralysed at you
I was weak
I couldn’t do anything

you started building a windmill
to produce your own electricity
you said you would finish before you died

i would climb up that windmill
I wasn’t allowed to
you could see a lot of kodyma up there

you finished the windmill
she died
you two spent your last decades screaming at each other

we went again
this time you were alone
it felt like she would come back any second

it’s been some years
you didn’t get rid of any of her things

you asked if we wanted to eat at the grave or at home
we went to the graveyard

most graves ruled by nature
you can feel the places where people didn’t care

you worked on her grave every day
you said you’d finish it
soon after you did

soon after you started working on one next to her
for you

we stood there
me in the front crying
you in the back telling me that people put the cross on top because the soul needs a place to grab onto when it leaves

you didn’t care that I cried
she didn’t care that I cried

we drove back
staring teary-eyed at the checked seats

the table was set
you put a photo of her on the table
put a plate in front of it
you told me to eat

i stared at the photo
I didn’t want to eat

you brought jellied meat out of the freezer and told me to eat
i said that was meat
you said it wasn’t

you were full of shit

i screamed at you how can you lie to me
you screamed at me that i was crazy for not eating meat

chickens didn’t have a brain
they don’t feel pain

you wanted blood on my hands too so you could feel any better

you screamed lungs out at me
she joined in on your side

the picture of her still on the table

if she ever wanted something it was that the fighting would stop
that the neighbors couldn’t hear anything

and you piece of shit couldn’t even do that at her memorial day

i ran off

I sat on the hard wood floor in a corner
staring at the red carpet on the wall and the window above me with white lace curtains

wanting someone to come to me but not one of these people

then i closed my eyes

I saw it
just not being here

white light

i am dead aren’t i
then why am i still here

why can’t i just say i’ve had enough
does my last moment really have to be violent
don’t i deserve some peace
why the hell am i here

everything is violent
i never belonged here
i wasn’t supposed to be here

got ill after
no blanket
melting into an old sofa
until I wasn’t

we left

you stopped cleaning
slowly losing your mind

you took a cat from the streets
first mercy she probably got in this world

you got a bit better
but age takes what it takes
you couldn’t do it all by yourself anymore

she came and got you
screamed at you for how unwell kept the place had become

all the things they kept for everyone else were unusable

there was a time they needed it

she took you to the city into her apartment
she didn’t live there
he was living with you

soon after the house got robbed and someone broke in and lived there

the war started
no gas no hot water sometimes

he was a drunk at the time
who couldn’t look after you

you said at least she didn’t have to witness the war
she could die before

you went by the train with one suitcase barely filled
it was jam-packed
everyone wanted to get out of the country

dogs shitting on the floor of the train

you made it to the polish border
she picked you up

you were here

you were going into the woods in a wife beater or no shirt at all

you stole a fence because it was electrical and children could have been hurt by it
he was furious you used a whole garbage bag for that fence

you threw the whole garbage bag out the window

you had a stroke
you could not move well anymore

I called
I asked what you were doing

you told me you were hunting mice but sadly there weren’t many mice around

you ripped the catheter out many times by hand

I drove you around in the wheelchair
once you were staring at the kids

you told me you wanted to use your legs once again like them
your legs would not listen anymore

I would have given you my legs if I could
I didn’t care of being here

I couldn’t give you my legs
and you would have never taken mine

we played cards
you didn’t have a second deck of cards up your ass this time

she screamed at you to play faster

you were struggling to eat
I was struggling to eat too

she couldn’t take care of you anymore so you went into an old people’s home

she put a film on every time
nobody was watching it

once you woke up the whole place and you cried because you forgot she died and remembered it again

then you couldn’t speak anymore

an employee told me you wanted to go
you had little days left

I stared at you
you were gray
I held your hand

she was screaming if they are abusing you say something
I can take you home
I can take you home

over
and
over
and
over and
all over again

I wanted some silence but I couldn’t say anything

then you tensed
and you stared at me

when I looked back at you
you were staring at me

I stared into your eyes
you had my eyes

I saw my own eyes dying

then you loosened up again

she read you to sleep
until you didn’t pretend to sleep anymore

she wanted to throw your ashes into a tree
I said you wanted to be buried next to her

we ate, your picture was on the table

maybe when the war is over we can bury you next to her

I cried a lot
I love you