SUPERBIA 2/7

my first love

she said this place is killing her
we packed our bags and went back
her illness got better
later it went away

to kodyma first
she would run after me with a stick
trying to beat me
she would never catch me
she was too slow

once i saw her
sitting on the little stairs on the front porch
chickens around her
they would come very close
then they would pick at her
she did nothing
she didn’t understand what was going on

animals know that you are dying
everyone knew she was dying
only she didn’t know she was dying

we would sleep in the show-off room
i heard her every night
walking to the room next to us
to that huge wooden chest
she was searching for something

every night
footsteps
chest open
search

if someone interrupted her search
she’d start screaming
and would pick a fight
not wanting to leave the chest

that scared me
so i said the only one short prayer that i knew
over and over
over and over

they took the chest from her house
they didn’t take anything else
she couldn’t look after herself anymore
she didn’t even know where she was

she only occasionally, somehow, always at night
remembered that chest

as scary as i found it
the others found it incredibly annoying

so we left kodyma, took the chest with us
so the others could sleep

we went to the city
we painted the chest green
put it in a corner

i went to nursery school
long walking distances
coming home
playing on the floor
playing in that chest
i loved that chest

watching Kadety (Cadets)

a show about a group of boys starting military school
screamed at by their parents
screamed at by the officers

i liked the uniforms
i rotated between loving the cadets
but i loved one the most

i saw a sticker book of the series
in a worn and very sad store
begged her to buy it
she did

so i stuck the faces of the cadets all over the inside of the lid of the chest
i stared at them
i stored my toys there

she said i was obsessed with that chest

then the first day of school
i liked the uniforms
something about not knowing how much money the family had
or not knowing how much the parents cared to dress their children

white pom-poms in my hair
black shiny ballerina flats

you get one seating place for the whole year
a boy and a girl sit together
i knew i’d be 9 years in school with the same classmates
i was nervous

i was seated next to you
standing up when the teacher came in
you told me your name
a name i could never forget

doing homework until the late evenings
happy to sleep
i would see you again

i don’t know when it happened
maybe it never happened
it always was
that we fell in love

and you were there
every day you were there

i thought you were the first and last to love me
this was it
this was the love that i’d waited for my whole life
and it came quick

she asked me what i wanted to eat
i said just tea
i could see it in her eyes we didn’t have the money for food
i didn’t want to be a burden
just tea
i didn’t care
i had you

we went on a class trip
one girl and one boy should hold hands while walking
i stared at you
i was too scared to come up to you and ask
i saw another girl come up to you
but you said no
and walked to me
you asked me
we walked holding hands the whole day
i hoped this day would never stop

she asked me if i was in love
i said to her before talking about such matters i needed to wear something
so i put on a white nightgown with flowers
also putting on my golden cross necklace
gifted to me at birth
everyone told me not to wear it
bad luck, it was likely regifted
i liked it
i said yes, i was in love
she said it was good i put something on to wear
overwhelming shame rushed into my body
i didn’t understand why

but i understood there was more to that
i was always very sensitive to how people wanted me to be
only way to survive

i woke up one night
from a loud bang
we searched the whole place
we found a huge crack through the chest
the next morning, a phone call came

she had died that night

+++

they say it takes 3 days for the soul to transfer

they say 3 days the soul is on earth

3 days she layed in the show off room

before being buried

the show off room is colder than the other rooms

+++

you were playing basketball
i watched you
you were good
you were good at everything
so effortlessly

after the game we sat and talked
i could see it in your eyes you made every second as good as you could
we couldn’t afford to make mistakes
we would lose everything good there was
holding on to little light

ribs to ribs

for a second it didn’t feel like we were two

she told me the lab results came
she was allergic to a potted plant
he threw the potted plant out
we could go back
we would leave
i would leave
i had a week
i would never be in school with them for 9 years
i would never see you again

i told you
you didn’t make it painful
that made it painful
we made the best of it
we weren’t afforded not to like it
you were happy for me i could live a better life
it’s switzerland

last day
everyone brought a farewell gift
you drew a picture of us in the front
some others small in the back

we were sitting together at the desk
for the last time
you switched around our passports
telling me i couldn’t leave with yours
your passport is mine
my name is yours

reading my name with your surname

but as much as you switched our passports they could never be in the same location

we were two

you said you would wait sitting at this desk for me
the seat would be reserved forever

i never saw you again

switzerland
the table full
the food plenty
my heart
there was nothing there

crying the first day behind the school
looking at your drawing
the people were afforded mistakes so they didn’t make the most out of anything
they sought fights
they looked down on people trying to survive
they cared about what people wore
who was where in a hierarchy
love was embarrassing
later maybe, if you were well off enough, you’d have it
people only deserved love if it was pleasing to everyone’s eye

you are the age they recruit for the army

i always wondered why it wasn’t me who stayed
others expect luck
others feel entitled to luck
the few times luck found me, it was eerie
it was me instead of someone else

every face i saw in the news could have been me
never understood why it wasn’t

there is no superbia in the uniforms
the show Kadety was a lie

i’m scared you died

i’m scared you will be a veteran
used as long as you were useful
left with a metal trinket
left with a state of mind
left with not enough to survive
left

this world brings people into existence
fucks them up sooner or later
then no one wants to see it

if i know anything about people,

it’s that they gather around the well
they don’t gather around the unwell
but they gather like chickens around the unwell
hope you fled, but you probably couldn’t

+++