she and him were managers of one branch of marlboro
stuffed with cash
made on the backs of the ill
it got to his head
he wanted to make his own
trucks
he bought a lot of trucks
it failed
they had nothing anymore
they split
+
she met you
you had appeal back then
you weren’t the first starving artist
you will not be the last one
+
she said just watch the apartment
she went to kodyma
advanced pregnancy
+
she came back days earlier
to see what you did with the place
smoke smell
alcohol bottles
naked prostitutes or something similar passed out on the floor
and you piece of shit
+
the hell you put her through
+
i would have picked a different beginning to life
i have what i have
you got mouth cancer
she dragged you through the treatment
you didn’t know what that was for
you beat it
+
i hid your cigarettes around the room
that didn’t do anything
i prayed for naive days
+
going with me to the playground many times
you on the bench smoking
showing me the photo of me in your wallet
you said i was always with you
you said i was your guardian angel
+
she gave you cash for cigarettes
and enough for me to go 3 times on the bouncy castle
in the park
+
i could go once on the bouncy castle
the rest of the money you kept
i loved the bouncy castle
but once was enough
you looked like you needed it more
i didn’t tell her
+
we went many times to the small corner store in front of the apartment
sometimes you put alcohol bottles in your jacket
bought cigarettes
you knew if i was with you
they wouldn’t beat you up out front
they wouldn’t want me to see it
+
they never called the police for stealing
they just beat you up
+
the school said you can’t pick me up anymore you look bad
+
you brought gifts all the time
once you came with flowers a little sculpture and a black knitted bag
she screamed at you to stop stealing from the graveyard
she didn’t like the flowers from the graveyard
i liked the flowers
i didn’t care where they were from
you meant good
the flowers from the graveyard went to the floor
you threw the sculpture at the wall
she threw plates
+
she screamed
all you had to do was stop the shit
all you had to do is look after son
it would work somehow
it’s your fault that it doesn’t
+
you took the knitted bag ran to the balcony
threw it
it landed in a tree
i could see that bag in that tree 10 years later
i went to your home once
you lived with her
she was around 100 years old
she cooked cleaned
did it all
+
i went to your room
one person bed
one football poster on the wall
there wasn’t much more to see
not a grown room
you couldn’t keep up with the fast pace
i can’t keep up with the fast pace of time either
+
she gave me borsch
she said i had to eat
she said i looked see through
+
i needed to go to the bathroom
you were in the shower
you said when you are 18
i will show you the tattoo i got on my ass
i saw in your pocket the silver cutlery
you stole again
i didn’t know if i should say something
+
they would fight again
i did
+
at night
you rang the doorbell non stop
you screamed in front of the door
she turned the doorbell off
it stayed off
you were on something
so you started banging on the door for hours
+
that happened many times
+
once you were so drugged out
you robbed a church
stole a lot of icons
carried those over the street
got hit by a car
+
she said that was god
they say who takes dies
you survived
+
another animal searching for connection to god through drugs
you were everything and nothing
you were a goldsmith
you gave me a ring you made
it looked fucked
+
you gave me your paintings
you made every job just not one that made cash
+
there wasn’t a place you belonged
the more i live the more i don’t believe there is a place where i belong
+
it was your first time living
people told me i’ve lived many lives
i didn’t live many lives
+
i thought if i’d keep my head down
work hard
i would find the place i belonged
+
i wanted to write
but never share
if i did i could become another animal god doesn’t care about
never face if i was good
+
but was i ever good
did i make your story good
did i make your life good
+
you can‘t tell me
+
am i like you
really good at some
not good enough at any
+ you can‘t tell me
+
we never made it good
we were never made good
how then could we ever be good
+
i see myself in everyone and no one
+
i wasn’t made for putting my head down either
there has to be some middle way
+
you were always kind
you didn’t want to hurt
somehow you did at every corner
and you were hurt at every corner store
+
maybe if the world would have liked anything you did
anything you were made for
you would have lived a good life
+
you asked for a kiss on the cheek
your teeth rotting
you smelled like piss
you were in withdrawal and sweating
i did
+
i said to her i didn’t want to see you again
i never did
+
im sorry i couldnt see it anymore
im sorry i couldnt see you anymore
im sorry im here to make mistakes
+
im sorry you had to lose everything you loved or everything you loved lost you
+
there will come my time
i will lose everything i love
or everything i love will lose me
+
on my 18th birthday you sent me my childhood photos
i looked at the photo of me that was in your wallet
you burned them
you wrote a note that said
you were the only child i ever wanted
that’s how i found out i wasn’t the only one
+
im not your guardian angel anymore
im not in your pocket
you are by yourself now
hope you still live
+
got addicted to cigarettes
for too long
trying to quit
i will never understand your part in me
i just have to live and see
+
god you made it hard to love you but i do
wow that is some brutally honest, sad, straight, raw writing. and exactly therefore, so lovable.
are you yourself from kодима, i don't know, but the old photos are just great and bring a lot of memories to me too (as a young engineer from the "west" I spent several years working in old ussr... so...)
your style is so recognizable. wow